Innuendos and Muggle Hair Dye
by Starblaze and Solaris
Summary: The Marauders have installed a listening device in the girls' bathroom, and are gathered round its counterpart, hoping to hear something for entertainment or blackmail. However, they hear something completely different, something which worries James to no end... Rated for innuendo, and implied femmeslash.


StarblazeAndSolaris SAS SolStar

**Warning: Implied femmeslash.**

**Sol: This arose from the time when a couple of our friends decided that I needed a makeover, and one of the more lasting things they did to me was dye my hair somewhat blonder. They didn't want to wait for me to have a shower, like normal people, so we ended up with me on all fours in the middle of the bathroom, head in the shower stall, and one of my mad torturers straddling my shoulders in order to brandish the shower head near mine and wash the dye from my hair without soaking my shirt. She forgot to lock the door, however, and my dad nearly walked in on us. It took a little explaining to get him to go away.**

**Star: I don't think they need that much detail, Sol.**

**Sol: Erm... whoops? Still. It makes for an interesting innuendo.**

**Rating: T**

**Genre: Humour/Suspense**

**Innuendos and Muggle Hair Dye.**

"Err... Lily? Must you straddle me like this?"

"Yes. Now hold still, your wriggling about under me is going to make me fall over and crack my head open on the floor, and then where would you be?"

"I would be without a best friend, who loves me enough to help me, even in the shower."

"It's not that much of a chore. Besides, you're comfortable. And your hair feels gorgeous like this, you know."

"Guilty. It's that shampoo. Hey, what're you doing with that? Oy, ahh, ohh-kay."

"I told you it's nice."

"Ahh, yes, so it is. Oh-hh, good heaven's above, don't _do_ that to my _ear!_"

"Sorry Alice, couldn't resist."

"It's alright, not too bad re-ah-ally."

"Ooh, lookee now!"

"I can't, there's a wall in the way..."

"You do not know the view you are _missing_ girl!"

"Next time we do this you can bring a camera. Now just get on with it, because that feels plain _wierd._"

_The four Marauders exchanged puzzled glances, until Sirius' face began to morph with comprehension, shock, and lust, until, eventually, it settled on a strange, glazed expression._

"_Oh Merlin," he breathed. "We must have been good in a past life to deserve this." James fiddled with the revolving knob on the side of the small, black cuboid in the centre of their circle on the floor, and sat back, frowning._

"All right, I give up, the clothes are coming off."

"No. N. O. Not happening."

"You can keep the towel, and maybe the underwear... Or you could change into that skimpy bikini I saw in your trunk."

"You saw that? Oh God!"

"Yup. Did you buy it for me to admire?"

"Oh good lord, no. I wasn't actually going to wear the thing unless we had communal showers or went dipping in the lake or something."

"You know there are no communal showers here, you muppet. The dipping in the lake is a good idea. We'll go skinny dipping, to make you feel comfortable in that lacy thing."

"Fine! Fine, I'll change."

"Sweet. Wrap this around you first, you can't walk into the dorm like that!"

"Cheers Lily."

_James seemed about to burst into tears._

"_You think - " he took a moment to breath, then continued, "that Lily, my Lily, is a - " he gulped loudly "lesbian?" Sirius grinned, and winked at Peter._

"_Well Jamie-boy, that would explain her constant rejections of your less-than-perfect self. Of course, the other reason could always be the hair." James ignored the insult to his mop, and groaned sadly, burying his face in his knees as he curled up on the floor, his back to his bed._

"_Noo... please, my lovely Lily, please, don't leave me for Alice..."_

"_Er... James?" Peter poked him carefully in the shoulder before continuing. "For her to leave you for Alice would imply that you were together in the first place..."_

"You took your sweet time. You could have changed in here, you know. I wouldn't have seen anything I haven't seen before."

"Oh hush you. Let's get this over and done with."

"Why, Alice, anyone would think you weren't enjoying this!"

"I said shush already. Did you lock the door? We don't want anyone walking in on us again."

"Now _that_ was awkward."

_Sirius' mouth formed a perfectly circular 'o.'_

"_They were interrupted?" queried Remus, frowning slightly. "That sounds like something you would do, Pads."_

"Jeepers Lily, don't _do_ that! It's cold!"

"You shouldn't have put your mouth in the way then, should you?"

"I've got morning breath though, I figured this should dissuade it until I can escape your grasping hands and find my toothbrush."

"Oh for heaven's sake Alice. You really shouldn't fret over little things like that. You can brush your teeth when we're done, because I'm not letting you go. Stop writhing around on the floor already!"

"It's cold! And it's starting to get uncomfortable, down here on all fours."

"I did put a towel down, but you moved it aside."

"You don't use a towel for this Lily! It'll get all dirty!"

"Oh for heaven's sake. Just hold still, and we'll finish up quickly. The others are waiting outside to finish you off."

"_Good lord, they're all joining in? I want to be there!" Sirius' glazed eyes closed, and he rolled his head back in pleasure._

"_Oi! This is Lily we're talking about!" James' indignant retort was completely ignored by his friends, who continued to daydream._

"_Good grief though, it's not just Lily... it's Alice... and _Marlene_..." Peter's dreamy expression was about to gain him one of James' fists to his face before Remus' hand shot out and captured James by the wrist._

"_Let Wormy be, James. No-one means any harm. Just listen to their conversation." James relaxed, although he continued to glare at his friends as they all listened._

"Okay, you're done. Don't touch! Good. Right, towel. Okay, hold that end, while I fix this... Alright, that's it!"

"Come on then, let's get this torture session over with."

"It's not torture silly, it's a makeover! Muggle style!"

"I never knew Muggle hair dye could be so confusing. Why on earth does it need to be washed out anyway?"

_The four Marauders exchanged glances, which became stares as they realised what had happened._

"_You mean, they weren't shagging?" whimpered Sirius, his eyes snapping back into focus on the small listening device in the middle of the dormitory floor._

"_YES!" James leapt up from his seat and began to dance around the room, limbs flailing and causing Peter to scramble backwards, his face the very picture of terror. "LILY IS NOT A LESBIAN! SHE LOVES ME STILL!"_

"_Er, James..." Sirius clamped a hand over Remus' mouth before his friend could get out another word._

"_Hush!" he hissed. "Let him make a fool of himself. Besides, if he mentions this incident, he'll end up in the hospital wing, and he won't be able to use your chocolate to try to bribe Lily into joining him in Hogsmeade."_

_Remus nodded fervently, his eyes brightening at the idea of saving his chocolate. Sirius and Peter, who had been listening to their one-sided conversation, chuckled. Remus quickly joined in, until the three of them were lying in a giggling, gasping heap of teenage boys, James prancing insanely around the edges and the magical listening device crushed and silent in the centre._

_**Finis**_


End file.
